October 24th, 2005
It's been a year now. I still can't grasp that my mom is gone, why, how, she's not in anyone's lives anymore. I still miss her so much. I have dream sometimes with her in them, they are so realistic I can't tell I am dreaming sometimes, though there is always this tiny thought in my head during the dreams that she's supposed to not be here. It's late. I'm tired. I have to sleep now.
October 5th, 2005
A year already, but I only had time to blink, didn't I? Today I decided it's time to unbind my wings and lift them off the ground again. I have a new life with a new cast in it. I'm stopping Lexapro, I will have no choice but to live without the cloudyness.
August 19th, 2005
I'm going on and on solo now, I want it that way. Quite a few are chasing me and I tease a bit but keep them arms distance back. I've become quite the heartbreaker, perhaps a little of my ex rubbed off on me in all of this. Its time for me and only me. Pure selfishness, pure self involvement, what I want, when I want.
New Orleans is in the future, a gathering of friends from my new life who only know me now as Zehl, Discord is just some name to them.
July 5th, 2005
What a start to a short week after a nice weekend.. Bitch lady at work was out Friday so she wasn't here to see me fuck up and forget I was to come in 15 minutes early for a Will signing. I don't fuck up things like that, somehow it completely slipped my mind, no excuse, no reason, WE ALL JUST FUCK UP SOMETIMES INCLUIDNG MRS. BITCH. So first thing this morning "Maria (our receptionist) is out this week (on vactation, which DUH I knew) so you have to pitch in a lot. I hear you fucked up on Friday." Her tone was implying that I never do shit in this office to help and she's a fucking cunt because I do as much as everyone. She even tells my boss (who hates her) that I fuck off all day and do no work. Wow, so I wonder who is sending out these documents??? Must be fucking magic. Like I didn't already feel bad for forgetting because I'm responsible that way.
I skipped fireworks intentionally for the first time ever this year. I need a year off. Last year Charles and I walked down the street to see them together. He rushed off home as soon as we got back to my house, no doubt because the whore was waiting at his house.
June 27th, 2005
Charles Barclay will be out of the office the week of June 20 till June 24. One week rehab? Vacation with the whore wife? Filing for divorce? We'll never know. Ok I'm sure some of us know but don't really give a piss.
$1600 paid in full to Toyota for repossesed 1999 Corolla, in my name, repoed thanks to Charles not paying it. Had to pay it all at once to avoid being sued. Check.
$1600 still owed for Gateway laptop purchased in 2000 for one Charles Barclay on my Gateway card. Laptop was sold for drug money sometime last year. I still get to pay for it. Still working on this one.
Lots of promises of paying me "next bonus" which has come and gone 3 times this year and I haven't seen a dime. sniff.
Nothing like the feeling of paying for other people's mistakes, even if it was ultimately your own mistake to give it the chance to happen.
June 8th, 2005
On my way to Freehold yesterday to take care of some things, I noticed a shop I'd never seen before in a little shopping center.
Women's workout clothes
I know I'm not the only one thinking this is hilarlious.
June 6th, 2005
Sorry wrong number. Far too many chances were given, every one of them fucked up and you didn't give one fuck how many times you made me cry. Too late. Had enough lip service for 30 lifetimes.
May 5th, 2005
I can't help but laugh in a mean sort of way how she wanted him so badly that she was willing to put me through all that. She thinks she has him because she got him to put a ring on her putrid finger, but no one ever will. Charles will never be faithful, he cheated on her after only one month of marriage with me, who knows who else and how many times since then. He'll always do it, it's his nature. Hello!!!! Wake up! He was cheating on me with you and you KNEW IT, why would you ever think he would be faithful to YOU? I gave him everything he wanted and it's never enough with a drug addict.
I don't know why I felt like saying this, oh well.
April 29th, 2005
They will never amount to anything or have anything. They are liars, cheaters, drug addicts, losers. They stole my belongings so that when I buy a house I have to buy new things. He cheated on his wife with me after only 1 month of marriage and constantly tried again. He stole over $10,000 from me over the last 4 years for his heroin habit.
A month ago he called me begging to make things up to me (I said you can't make this sort of thing up) and he went so far as to say we will get together the next day after work, I was like ok whatever. He hasn't called since. Too busy I'm sure with the heroin.
I laugh every day knowing he treats her like shit because that's the only way he knows how to treat someone who cares about him. She's not into the working thing so he can't really leech off her but I'm sure every lame paycheck she gets goes up his nose anyway.
I have someone now who treats me properly and make me want to say I Love you all the time. Yes, Charles Barclay, I felt love for you, but being constantly blown off and put aside made me not want to say it. Do you think I would have bled my veins dry for you if I didn't love you and care a great deal for you? I know you claim to not believe, that's your mind games.
No one will stand by you and stick around because there is no reason to, you both choose to be disgusting cheating, lying, backstabbing people who shit on anyone who cares about you because all you can think about is yourselves and getting drunk and high.
As I let go of all of this the venom that has made me sick all this time turns back to the glitter essence it once was. My new life is now and there is MUTUAL trust, respect, affection, loyalty and Love.
April 15th, 2005
Fire @ 04:40 pm
15 minutes left of the workday. Tomorrow at this time we will be in each other's arms for the first time as significant others. I can't wait to get home so I can go to sleep so the time will pass quickly. The seminar will go fairly fast I think, there are a lot of people signed up to attend, my co worker, Leif will be with me who's pretty cool, we chat when we both are at seminars. One time we played Monopoly on my PDA. Wow I'm sure that was so exciting to know.
I could call Eric at work this evening but I don't think I will because I plan to be asleep those hours. I shouldn't but I think I am going to sleep with my Ventrilo on so we can say hi when he gets home. Hopefully I can just say hi, Love you and turn it off and sleep after.. it's hard, I often end up awake talking on it till 3-5am. I have to get sleep tonight though or the drive up the insane NY Throughway will be difficult and dangerous.